You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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