if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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