my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Dear god my vagina.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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