I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
