Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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