I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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