You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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