At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Small penises have feelings too.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
