Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
