I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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