next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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