Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
