I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
