I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
