It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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