i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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