Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
