Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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