You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My ATM looks so different sober.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Randomize
