I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
