I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
