I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
