Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
