this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
