I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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