he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
