My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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