my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
