At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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