dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
