Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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