Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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