Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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