My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
