Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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