so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
