Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
