The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
