I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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