Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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