textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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