The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
