So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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