There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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