my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
