my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
