The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
