i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
we made out on top of his cat.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
