my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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