Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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