she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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