the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
