Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
