someone owes me an orgasm
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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