it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
