i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
