I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
