I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
