Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
