Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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