More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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