So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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