At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize