I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
