Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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