i don't like sucking hair
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
