he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
