How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
