I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize